A man returned home earlier than usual. His son met him, very upset, and crying, "Daddy, there's a monster in your bedroom." "There's a what?" "A monster. And he's hidden in mummy's wardrobe." So the man went upstairs, found his wife in bed and opened the wardrobe door. Inside, his oldest friend tried vainly to hide himself behind a rack of dresses. "Twenty years, you've been my friend," bellowed the husband, pulling his former friend out by the hair, "And the best thing you can find to do is frighten my little boy.
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.
The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer!" she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he asked nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Is it your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
An englishman and a german are at the urinal. They finish and zip up. The german proceeds to the sink to wash his hands, while the englishman immediately makes for the exit.
The german says: "In my country they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate!"
The englishman replies: "In my country they teach us not to piss on ourselves!"