Bush, Mandela and the Pope are waiting at the Pearly Gates after they died. St. Peter says: "Depending on your achievements during your lives, you will each get a car. You will race against each other. The winner of the race goes to heaven!"
The pope gets a Ferrari, Mandela receives a Porsche and Bush gets a Golf. The pope and Mandela are as fair as to wait for bush after the first half of the distance.
When Bush still didn't show up after 2 hours, they drive back to look for him, and find him lying on the side of the street, rolling on the floor laughing. They asked him what was so funny.
Bush said: "I just saw Hitler on a tricycle!"
Kevin says to Jim, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm will do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Maggie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Maggie got pregnant again!"
Jim says: "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Kevin says: "This year, I'm taking Maggie with me!"
An englishman and a german are at the urinal. They finish and zip up. The german proceeds to the sink to wash his hands, while the englishman immediately makes for the exit.
The german says: "In my country they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate!"
The englishman replies: "In my country they teach us not to piss on ourselves!"
A young blond went on vacation to Louisiana. She wanted to buy a pair of nice alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high price in the shop.
After haggeling with the shopkeeper lead to no success, she snorted: "I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get my pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
When the shopkeeper was driving home, he saw the blond standing waist-deep in the water waiting for alligators, with a shotgun in her hand. Suddenly an alligator approached her, and she killed it with only one shot. With great effort she carried the dead alligator out of the water. Several other dead alligators were lying nearby. The shopkeeper was amazed. The blond flipped the alligator on its back and cursed: "Damn it, this one isn't wearing shoes either!"