One day a farmer saw a man on the street and pulled up to his truck, and said: "Hey, do need any help?" "Well, my truck broke down and I was going to take this penguin to the zoo, do you think you could take him?" he asked.
"Sure!" the farmer replied, and took the penguin.
The next day the farmer ran into the guy he saw the last day. The man was shocked: "Uh, I thought you took that penguin to the zoo?!"
"I did, we had such a fun time we're going to the circus today!"
Kevin says to Jim, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm will do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Maggie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Maggie got pregnant again!"
Jim says: "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Kevin says: "This year, I'm taking Maggie with me!"
A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to dye her hair and look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country. After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde picked one and got back into her car. Before she left, the farmer walked up to her and said. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
The gate between Heaven and Hell was broken.
St. Peter said to the devil: "It's your turn to fix the gate."
The devil said: "Our heating furnace is broke down here, we ain't got time to mess with that gate!" St. Peter replied: "We have a contract and it's your turn to fix the gate! If you don't fix this gate, we're gonna take you to court and sue you for breach of contract."
The devil said: "Yeah? Where are you going to get a lawyer?"