A young blond went on vacation to Louisiana. She wanted to buy a pair of nice alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high price in the shop.
After haggeling with the shopkeeper lead to no success, she snorted: "I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get my pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
When the shopkeeper was driving home, he saw the blond standing waist-deep in the water waiting for alligators, with a shotgun in her hand. Suddenly an alligator approached her, and she killed it with only one shot. With great effort she carried the dead alligator out of the water. Several other dead alligators were lying nearby. The shopkeeper was amazed. The blond flipped the alligator on its back and cursed: "Damn it, this one isn't wearing shoes either!"
A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk were talking about how they paid themselves every week after the worshippers donated to the temple, church etc.
The Priest: "I have a good method. I draw a circle on the ground, step in the middle and throw all the donated money up on the air. With the grace of God whatever falls in the circle is my salary and outside belongs to the church."
The monk: "How interesting, I almost do the same thing. But I believe what falls within the circle belongs to the monastery and outside is mine."
The rabbi chimes in: "Oh my God, we all think alike. I do the same thing. I draw a circle, get in the middle of it and throw all the donations in the air. What stays up in the air belongs to the temple and what falls on the ground is mine!"
Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. Then the pioneers saw an old Jewish rabbi sitting beneath a tree. "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?" they asked.
"Vell, I tink so", the old man said, "but I wouldn’t go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you’d run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, an bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn’t go dere."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the rabbi said.
"So why did he say not to go there?", a person asked.
Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jewish people – they don’t eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old rabbi.
Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."
The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy, vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it.
"Oy Gevalt, I made myself such ah big mistake! It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush!"
An Italian calls his friend in Siberia.
Italian: "How are you?"
Friend: "I'm fine, it's just a bit cold here!"
Italian: "Oh yea, on TV they said there are -40° at your place!"
Friend: "No no, we have -10° here."
Italian: "I'm sure they said it's -40°!"
Friend: "Ah okay. They must be talking about outdoor temperature!"