A police officer in a small town stopped a speeding motorist.
"But, officer...", the man began, "...I can explain!"
"Just be quiet!" snapped the officer. "You're going to jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said: "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He will be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it!" answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom!"
Bush, Mandela and the Pope are waiting at the Pearly Gates after they died. St. Peter says: "Depending on your achievements during your lives, you will each get a car. You will race against each other. The winner of the race goes to heaven!"
The pope gets a Ferrari, Mandela receives a Porsche and Bush gets a Golf. The pope and Mandela are as fair as to wait for bush after the first half of the distance.
When Bush still didn't show up after 2 hours, they drive back to look for him, and find him lying on the side of the street, rolling on the floor laughing. They asked him what was so funny.
Bush said: "I just saw Hitler on a tricycle!"
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette go to this fancy restaurant in Paris.
In the corner, they see a beautiful mirror. The manager says to them, "If you look at your reflection in the mirror and say something that is true, then you are granted one wish. But if you tell a lie, you disappear." The brunette wants to try so she walks up to the mirror and says, "I think that I am the most beautiful woman in the world!" She disappears. Then the redhead walks up to the mirror and says, "I think that I am the smartest woman in the world." And she disappears as well. Then the blonde walks up to the mirror, says "I think--" and disappears.
A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk were talking about how they paid themselves every week after the worshippers donated to the temple, church etc.
The Priest: "I have a good method. I draw a circle on the ground, step in the middle and throw all the donated money up on the air. With the grace of God whatever falls in the circle is my salary and outside belongs to the church."
The monk: "How interesting, I almost do the same thing. But I believe what falls within the circle belongs to the monastery and outside is mine."
The rabbi chimes in: "Oh my God, we all think alike. I do the same thing. I draw a circle, get in the middle of it and throw all the donations in the air. What stays up in the air belongs to the temple and what falls on the ground is mine!"