An englishman and a german are at the urinal. They finish and zip up. The german proceeds to the sink to wash his hands, while the englishman immediately makes for the exit.
The german says: "In my country they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate!"
The englishman replies: "In my country they teach us not to piss on ourselves!"
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why? Of course!" comes the reply. The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man. I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin." "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, I graduated in '62. This is unbelievable!, the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. What's been going on? he asks the bartender. "Nothing much...", replies the bartender, "...the twins are drunk again!"
The bear and the rabbit walk through the forest. Out of a sudden, a fairy appears and grants them three wishes each.
The bear thinks for a few seconds and says: "I wish that all bears in this forest were female!". The fairy performs a magic spell and the bear's wish comes true. The rabbit then wishes for a fast motorbike.
The bear, amazed by his first wish, wished that all bears in the country were female. The rabbit wishes for a motorcycle helmet.
The bear laughs at the rabbit's stupid wishes and wants all bears on the planet to be female. His wish as granted, the fairy asks the rabbit for his last wish.
The rabbit starts his motorbike, says "I wish that the bear was gay!" and drives away.
The gate between Heaven and Hell was broken.
St. Peter said to the devil: "It's your turn to fix the gate."
The devil said: "Our heating furnace is broke down here, we ain't got time to mess with that gate!" St. Peter replied: "We have a contract and it's your turn to fix the gate! If you don't fix this gate, we're gonna take you to court and sue you for breach of contract."
The devil said: "Yeah? Where are you going to get a lawyer?"