Bush, Mandela and the Pope are waiting at the Pearly Gates after they died. St. Peter says: "Depending on your achievements during your lives, you will each get a car. You will race against each other. The winner of the race goes to heaven!"
The pope gets a Ferrari, Mandela receives a Porsche and Bush gets a Golf. The pope and Mandela are as fair as to wait for bush after the first half of the distance.
When Bush still didn't show up after 2 hours, they drive back to look for him, and find him lying on the side of the street, rolling on the floor laughing. They asked him what was so funny.
Bush said: "I just saw Hitler on a tricycle!"
Kevin says to Jim, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm will do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Maggie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Maggie got pregnant again!"
Jim says: "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Kevin says: "This year, I'm taking Maggie with me!"
An englishman and a german are at the urinal. They finish and zip up. The german proceeds to the sink to wash his hands, while the englishman immediately makes for the exit.
The german says: "In my country they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate!"
The englishman replies: "In my country they teach us not to piss on ourselves!"
A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk were talking about how they paid themselves every week after the worshippers donated to the temple, church etc.
The Priest: "I have a good method. I draw a circle on the ground, step in the middle and throw all the donated money up on the air. With the grace of God whatever falls in the circle is my salary and outside belongs to the church."
The monk: "How interesting, I almost do the same thing. But I believe what falls within the circle belongs to the monastery and outside is mine."
The rabbi chimes in: "Oh my God, we all think alike. I do the same thing. I draw a circle, get in the middle of it and throw all the donations in the air. What stays up in the air belongs to the temple and what falls on the ground is mine!"