A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to dye her hair and look like a brunette.
When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country. After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought, "Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!" She got out and walked over to the farmer and said, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde picked one and got back into her car. Before she left, the farmer walked up to her and said. "If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"
Kevin says to Jim, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm will do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Maggie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Maggie got pregnant again!"
Jim says: "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Kevin says: "This year, I'm taking Maggie with me!"
An englishman and a german are at the urinal. They finish and zip up. The german proceeds to the sink to wash his hands, while the englishman immediately makes for the exit.
The german says: "In my country they teach us to wash our hands after we urinate!"
The englishman replies: "In my country they teach us not to piss on ourselves!"
Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. Then the pioneers saw an old Jewish rabbi sitting beneath a tree. "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?" they asked.
"Vell, I tink so", the old man said, "but I wouldn’t go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you’d run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, an bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn’t go dere."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the rabbi said.
"So why did he say not to go there?", a person asked.
Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jewish people – they don’t eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old rabbi.
Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."
The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy, vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it.
"Oy Gevalt, I made myself such ah big mistake! It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush!"