Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days. Then the pioneers saw an old Jewish rabbi sitting beneath a tree. "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?" they asked.
"Vell, I tink so", the old man said, "but I wouldn’t go up dat hill und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you’d run into a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
"Yah, an bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn’t go dere."
The leader goes back and tells his people what the rabbi said.
"So why did he say not to go there?", a person asked.
Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jewish people – they don’t eat bacon."
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack them from everywhere and massacre all except the leader who manages to escape and get back to the old rabbi.
Near dead, the man shouts, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your route but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians who killed everyone but me."
The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, "Oy, vait a minute." He quickly picks up an English-Yiddish dictionary and begins thumbing through it.
"Oy Gevalt, I made myself such ah big mistake! It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush!"
An Italian calls his friend in Siberia.
Italian: "How are you?"
Friend: "I'm fine, it's just a bit cold here!"
Italian: "Oh yea, on TV they said there are -40° at your place!"
Friend: "No no, we have -10° here."
Italian: "I'm sure they said it's -40°!"
Friend: "Ah okay. They must be talking about outdoor temperature!"
A police officer in a small town stopped a speeding motorist.
"But, officer...", the man began, "...I can explain!"
"Just be quiet!" snapped the officer. "You're going to jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said: "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He will be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it!" answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom!"
A man returned home earlier than usual. His son met him, very upset, and crying, "Daddy, there's a monster in your bedroom." "There's a what?" "A monster. And he's hidden in mummy's wardrobe." So the man went upstairs, found his wife in bed and opened the wardrobe door. Inside, his oldest friend tried vainly to hide himself behind a rack of dresses. "Twenty years, you've been my friend," bellowed the husband, pulling his former friend out by the hair, "And the best thing you can find to do is frighten my little boy.