Peter and John stole apples from their neighbour. They don't want to get caught, so they hide in the nearby mortuary. There, they want to split the apples, but they lose two in front of the door.
"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me", they mumble. The pastor's assistent hears the voices and runs to the pastor to inform him:"Reverend, reverend, I think the mortuary is haunted! God bargains with the devil on who gets the souls!"
The pastor can't believe it, but he agrees to go with his assistent. They hear the voices:"...one for you, one for me, one for you - that's all. Now let's go get the two outside!"
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.
The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."
A man went to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening
and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked: "What's wrong?"
The man replied: "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked "How can that be?"
The man then pleaded: "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offered: "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied: "Take the poison."
A rich man was hosting a party at his mansion, but was sick of his wealth and decided to give it away. He filled his swimming pool with alligators and piranhas and didn't feed them for days.
When the party gathered, he announced to the guests: "Whoever jumps into this pool and comes out alive can have all of my cigars!"
No one jumped.
"Anyone who jumps in can have all of my cigars, and all of my cars!"
Still no one jumped.
Undeterred, the man said, "Anyone who jumps in can have my cigars, my cars, and my mansion for free!"
He heard a yell and a splash. He looked into the pool and saw a man fighting the alligators, using kung fu moves and judo to fend them off. After several terrifying minutes of the fight, the man killed the last alligator and jumped out.
"Amazing!" the host said, "When do you want my house?"
"I don't want your house" the man said.
"Okay, then when do you want my cars?"
"I don't want your cars" the man replied.
"Well, then, when do you want my cigars?"
"I don't want your cigars" the man muttered.
"You just jumped into a pool and fought alligators! And you want nothing?"
"You're right, I do want something!"
"Well, what is it then?"
The man scanned the crowd: "I want that bastard that pushed me in!"