A rich man was hosting a party at his mansion, but was sick of his wealth and decided to give it away. He filled his swimming pool with alligators and piranhas and didn't feed them for days.
When the party gathered, he announced to the guests: "Whoever jumps into this pool and comes out alive can have all of my cigars!"
No one jumped.
"Anyone who jumps in can have all of my cigars, and all of my cars!"
Still no one jumped.
Undeterred, the man said, "Anyone who jumps in can have my cigars, my cars, and my mansion for free!"
He heard a yell and a splash. He looked into the pool and saw a man fighting the alligators, using kung fu moves and judo to fend them off. After several terrifying minutes of the fight, the man killed the last alligator and jumped out.
"Amazing!" the host said, "When do you want my house?"
"I don't want your house" the man said.
"Okay, then when do you want my cars?"
"I don't want your cars" the man replied.
"Well, then, when do you want my cigars?"
"I don't want your cigars" the man muttered.
"You just jumped into a pool and fought alligators! And you want nothing?"
"You're right, I do want something!"
"Well, what is it then?"
The man scanned the crowd: "I want that bastard that pushed me in!"
Three Russians are sitting together in the train that takes them to the Gulag. One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."
Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
The gate between Heaven and Hell was broken.
St. Peter said to the devil: "It's your turn to fix the gate."
The devil said: "Our heating furnace is broke down here, we ain't got time to mess with that gate!" St. Peter replied: "We have a contract and it's your turn to fix the gate! If you don't fix this gate, we're gonna take you to court and sue you for breach of contract."
The devil said: "Yeah? Where are you going to get a lawyer?"