A frog visits a fortune teller. The fortune teller says: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is excited and says: "This is great news! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No!", answers the fortune teller, "Next semester in her biology class!"
A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.
The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."
A rich man was hosting a party at his mansion, but was sick of his wealth and decided to give it away. He filled his swimming pool with alligators and piranhas and didn't feed them for days.
When the party gathered, he announced to the guests: "Whoever jumps into this pool and comes out alive can have all of my cigars!"
No one jumped.
"Anyone who jumps in can have all of my cigars, and all of my cars!"
Still no one jumped.
Undeterred, the man said, "Anyone who jumps in can have my cigars, my cars, and my mansion for free!"
He heard a yell and a splash. He looked into the pool and saw a man fighting the alligators, using kung fu moves and judo to fend them off. After several terrifying minutes of the fight, the man killed the last alligator and jumped out.
"Amazing!" the host said, "When do you want my house?"
"I don't want your house" the man said.
"Okay, then when do you want my cars?"
"I don't want your cars" the man replied.
"Well, then, when do you want my cigars?"
"I don't want your cigars" the man muttered.
"You just jumped into a pool and fought alligators! And you want nothing?"
"You're right, I do want something!"
"Well, what is it then?"
The man scanned the crowd: "I want that bastard that pushed me in!"
Three Russians are sitting together in the train that takes them to the Gulag. One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."