A woman was having an affair with an exterminator. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband came home early. "Quick!" said the woman to her lover, "hide in the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after searching the bedroom, he discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "Erm... I'm an exterminator!" said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in here?" the husband continued to ask. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths." the man replied.
"Why on earth aren't you wearing any clothes?" asked the husband. The exterminator looked down at himself and said, "Damnit! Those little bastards!"
A guy goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter asks the guy for the bravest act in his life. The guy tells him: "Well, I spotted a group of guys messing with a girl and I asked them to stop it. When they laughed at me, I picked the biggest one of them, pushed him to the ground and yelled at him to stop."
Saint Peter was visibly impressed. He asked: "Wow, when did you do that?"
The guy says: "About 2 minutes ago!"
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to immigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: "What is that?"
Old man: "What is that? What is that?! Don't say 'What is that?', say 'Who is that?' That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!"
The official laughed and let the old man through.
The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: "What is that?"
Old man: "What is that? What is that?! Don't say 'What is that?', say 'Who is that?' That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home."
The official laughed and let him through.
When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: "Who is that?"
Old man: "Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say 'Who is that?', say 'What is that?' That, my grandson, is eight pounds of gold!"
A llama, a penguin and a donkey are captured by the king. Whoever doesn't manage to make him laugh is going to be shot.
The llama is first. It tells jokes for hours, but doesn't get the king to laugh. Thereupon it is shot.
The penguin is next. He also runs with telling jokes, but he doesn't succeed, thus he is shot.
The donkey is next. As soon as he starts telling, the king bursts out in laughter.
The donkey is confused: "I haven't even finished my joke yet!"
The king: "I just figured out the penguin's joke!"