A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed.
The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."
Three Russians are sitting together in the train that takes them to the Gulag. One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?"
The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat."
The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers."
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?"
"Well, I arrived at the factory on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West."
A woman was having an affair with an exterminator. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband came home early. "Quick!" said the woman to her lover, "hide in the closet!" She bundled him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after searching the bedroom, he discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "Erm... I'm an exterminator!" said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in here?" the husband continued to ask. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths." the man replied.
"Why on earth aren't you wearing any clothes?" asked the husband. The exterminator looked down at himself and said, "Damnit! Those little bastards!"
A guy goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter asks the guy for the bravest act in his life. The guy tells him: "Well, I spotted a group of guys messing with a girl and I asked them to stop it. When they laughed at me, I picked the biggest one of them, pushed him to the ground and yelled at him to stop."
Saint Peter was visibly impressed. He asked: "Wow, when did you do that?"
The guy says: "About 2 minutes ago!"