An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to immigrate to Israel. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: "What is that?"
Old man: "What is that? What is that?! Don't say 'What is that?', say 'Who is that?' That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!"
The official laughed and let the old man through.
The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: "What is that?"
Old man: "What is that? What is that?! Don't say 'What is that?', say 'Who is that?' That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home."
The official laughed and let him through.
When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: "Who is that?"
Old man: "Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say 'Who is that?', say 'What is that?' That, my grandson, is eight pounds of gold!"
A mafia boss finds out that his accounting clerk bilked him of 10 million dollars. The clerk is deaf, the original idea was that a deaf accounting clerk can't hear anything about mafia business and cannot testify. Because the mafia boss doesn't speak sign language, he brings along his advocate.
The boss asks where his 10 million dollars are. The advocate translates into sign languages and the clerk answers in sign language: "I don't know what you are talking about!"
So the advocate tells the boss that he said "I don't know what you are talking about".
The mafia boss is fed up and draws a 9mm handgun. The advocate signals: "He is going to kill you if you don't tell him."
The clerk signals back: "Ok, ok, the money is a brown suitcase buried in the backyard of my cousin Enzo in Naples!"
The boss asks what he said. The advocate answers: "He said you don't have the courage to shoot!"
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were trapped on an island. The nearest shore was 50 miles away. First, the redhead tried to reach the shore by swimming. After 15 miles, she was exhausted and drowned. The brunette swam 20 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, felt that she was getting tired and swam back.
A rich man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.
"I don't have any money for food!" the poor man replied.
"Oh ... please, come to my house!"
"But Sir, I have a wife and four children!"
"Bring them along!" the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo. Once on the way, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for offering us a free meal!"
The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"