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Our best dirty jokes. No children allowed ;-)

After another night of drinking...

Two guys are sitting in a bar.
First one says: "So there's this problem between me and my wife, whenever I come home after a night of drinking and get in bed, my wife wakes up really pissed and sends me to the couch!"
Other guy says: "Yeah, happened to me before, but I figured that instead of trying to not make any noise, I just had to give her a bit of lovin' and she'd shut right up! Worked everytime for me."
"Great advice! I'm gonna try that out!"
So that night, the first guy comes back home piss-drunk again. He crawls upstairs, heads to his room and decides to try what his buddy says. He slowly slinks to bed and silently gets to work on the woman. He finishes, and he's happy to notice that she doesn't say a word! He gets out of bed to have a quick leak. In the bathroom, he stumbles, surprisingly, upon his wife.
She has a really pissed-off look on her face: "What're you doing home at this hour!?"
He then responds, visibly baffled: "What!? W-weren't you just..."
"Quiet!" she utters in a hoarse whisper. "Mom's sleeping in our room, don't wake her up!"

Category: Dirty • 18 Sep 2017 • by zelda

A dangerous affair

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh my God - hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window! It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes, and jumps out the window. As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes!" he answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried: "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope, only when it's raining!"

Category: Dirty • 11 Aug 2017 • by Ross

Legs up in the air

One day little Susie went into her backyard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air. She asked, "Daddy, Daddy why is Muffles legs in the air?" Thinking quickly, her dad replied, "This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier."
The next day when Susie's dad came home she ran up to him and said, "Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today." Flustered, her father said, "Honey what happened?" And Susie said, "Well Mommy's legs were up in the air and she was screaming 'Oh Jesus, I'm coming I'm coming' and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have been gone."

Category: Dirty • 24 Jul 2017 • by sup

Penguin needs his car to be fixed

A penguin goes to a garage to get his car fixed. He takes it to the mechanic, and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour to give it a diagnostic. The penguin agrees and goes for a walk down the street, where he comes across an ice cream shop. The penguin is hot, since he's used to the Antarctic, and goes inside.
The penguin orders a vanilla ice cream cone, since it reminds him of snow, and sits down. But because he has flippers and not fingers, it's difficult for him to eat it and he gets it all over his beak and face.
He's so engrossed in his food, he loses track of the time, noticing that the hour is almost up, and runs back down the street without cleaning up.
The penguin walks up to the mechanic and goes "So, what's the problem?"
The mechanic comes out from under the car and looks at the penguin and goes "Looks like you blew a seal."
And the penguin goes "No, no! It's just a little ice cream."

Category: Dirty • 11 Jun 2017 • by reddit community